Every time I leave the house and step foot into the the public space – grocery stores, farmers markets, restaurants, where the townsfolk hang etc. – I can feel people’s projections of me. I can sense that they have a new idea of me, a mind made concept of who they think I am – now that I lost my brother.
And it’s so funny, because who I feel to be in that moment – who I really am – is never who they think I am. I want them to know who I really am, and who I have discovered myself to be through this experience of grief. Because they don’t see me, I want to shake them. I want to look deep into their eyes and yell “you’re not seeing me, you’re not seeing the grace of this being, the soul underneath this flesh.” My soul desperately wishes that they see me through their own projections.
Their eyes dart away from me, they jingle the change in their pocket, and they start to get nervous. I can sense what they are thinking. “Poor girl, how awful. Now what do I say? How do I get out of this convo asap.”
I know this because before going through this loss, that was me. I projected my own ideas of what death, grief, and loss looks and feels like onto grievers. I was so frightened by death and I didn’t want to think or talk about it. And now I’m on the other side and I want to share something with these folks who just don’t know.
I wish you knew that through this grief, my heart has opened. I wish you knew the immense love I’ve tasted through this experience, the presence of the divine that I’ve felt, the tenderness of my own heart that has been exposed to me, the joy I have touched and danced with, the deep surrender, and my own dying to what is. And yes, I have been kicking and screaming too, resisting this awful loss, grieving, and suffering. But that’s all you see. You see your own projection. And It’s just too bad. It’s too bad for me. But it’s really too bad for you too. What a miss. We could be experiencing god/love/presence together. We could be meeting each other in a human moment.
We say our goodbyes, and I know what you’re thinking. “Thank heavens that’s over. Time to run away. Fast. And never think about death again.” What a shame.
I hope someday we can meet each other again - in loss, and in love.
Don't Give Up On Therapy Because You Didn’t Like Your Therapist
Time and time again, clinical research indicates that the best therapeutic outcomes are determined by the relationship between therapist and client. There are of course other factors that play into the success of therapy, such as the client’s openness, attitude and motivation, the therapist's training and experience, certain interventions used etc. But the numero uno factor that determines success in therapy is the therapeutic relationship itself.
As humans, WE HEAL WITHIN RELATIONSHIPS. We heal within relationships with friends, family, partners, communities, and within ourselves. And the therapeutic relationship is no different. You heal within the safe and sacred container of the therapeutic relationship. (Ideally) Your therapist will meet you and all of your parts with kindness, grace, non-judgement, forgiveness, and love and that will cause deep healing.
It makes sense that we heal in relationships because typically our greatest hurts were also created within relationships. The pain that brings you to therapy is usually the result of an intolerance of ourselves, parts of ourselves, our experiences, or our emotions. And this type of rejection starts in childhood. We learn certain parts of us are ok and other parts are not and should be repressed. This type of inner rejection is usually created when we are met by other’s with shame, rejection, disappointment, or a lack of acceptance in childhood. We then learn to split from these parts of ourselves too. It’s not ok to be wildly outgoing, it’s not ok to be shy, it’s not ok to be different, it’s not ok to have big emotions, it’s not ok to be sad, it’s not ok to be angry, it’s not ok to be shy, it’s not ok to be poor, it’s not ok to have pimples, it’s not ok to be that loud, it’s not ok to be that big, it’s not ok to be so loving, and so on and so forth.
So we come to therapy to heal. To learn to take up space within ourselves and in the world. We learn it IS OK TO BE ALL OF YOU, to embrace all of you, and to own all of these parts of you. And your therapist is there to help you own it all. Your therapist is there to provide you with deep love and acceptance. This type of loving holding is what rewires old neural pathways, teaches you to meet yourself with love, and helps you show up differently in your life and in your body.
That is why it is paramount that you and your therapist have a good relationship. Two biggies: 1. You have to like your therapist for it to work 2. Your therapist has to have done their own healing.
If you don’t enjoy being in the presence of your therapist, you most likely will not feel comfortable opening up, being vulnerable, and may not even want to show up to session. In order to show up and do the inner work, you must feel a deep sense of safety with your therapist.
Also, if your therapist has not done their own inner healing, they may not have the capacity to hold space for you and your suffering because no one was able to do it for them. You might even feel judged by them, or feel like you can only show them a filtered version of you. You can only take someone as deep as you have gone yourself . So it’s important that your therapist has gone to therapy and has dealt with their rejected parts so that they can help you to do the same.
So, what happens if you don’t like your therapist? Recognize, it’s okay. It’s normal if you don’t like your first, second, or even third therapist. It is totally common to try out multiple different therapists before finding one that sticks. SO DO NOT GIVE UP! Just like any other relationship you are searching for, it takes a few tries to deeply connect. We typically don’t find our soulmate on the first date we ever go on. So please know that it is expected to have multiple goes at therapy.
It took me 3 tries before finding a therapist who really did it for me. Just because it didn’t “work” right away does not mean therapy is not for you. The missing piece may just be that you didn’t jive with your therapist! You deserve to work with a therapist who you totally enjoy, so keep looking!
XOXO
A Few Gentle Phrases to Deepen Your Healing right now
“Can there be love here too?”
My therapist colleague and dear friend offered me this beautiful phrase that helped me to gently shift my mind from resistance to compassion. Her therapist offered it to her, she presented it to me, and now I’m sharing it with you.
When I heard it, I immediately softed. Oh right, YES there can be love here too. It doesn’t have to be 100% all the hard stuff. The sticky icky can still exist with love here too.
So often when we are having a challenging experience, all we feel is the shittiness. We zone in on it and forget everything else. Our minds obsess over the pain, playing it on repeat in our heads, while resisting the feelings in our bodies. We get sucked into a trap and feel overwhelmed by the “negative” stuff.
While it’s important to bring insight to your thoughts and to process your emotions, it’s also important to do so with sensitivity and tenderness. It first requires you to notice that you are suffering, and then bring in the love. “Can there be love here too?” The answer is always yes. There is always room for love among whatever other emotion you are feeling.
2. “This too”
When you notice an uncomfortable emotion, thought, or sensation, instead of rejecting or resisting it, you can bring a subtle acceptance to it by stating “this too.” This attitude brings a gentle embrace towards what is presently here.
To notice what is arising and welcome it with a “this too” can put you more into a flow state rather than a state of stuckness.
You can do this as a meditation practice, or throughout the day when uncomfortable things arise in your body.
As a meditation practice, find a quiet and comfortable seat, close your eyes, and notice what arises in your body and consciousness. Every thought, every emotion, every sensation, even any resistance to the whole process, greet it all with a loving “this too.” You can say this phrase out loud or in your head.
3.“Instead of what if, what IS?”
I heard this on Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things podcast. So often we focus on the millions of “what if’s” that it totally overwhelms our nervous systems and we get stuck in fight or flight. This simple phrase can gently shift your awareness from future worries to present awareness. Always coming back to this very moment, which is all we truly have, can be healing and calming.
You can begin to look around you, notice your immediate surroundings. What IS around me? What IS it that I am currently grateful for? What IS letting me know I’m ok right now? What IS going on right this moment that I can relax into?
Whatever IS actually currently happening is always more powerful than what could happen in the future that might be scary or upsetting.
Bringing your awareness back to the present moment and to what is, can be very grounding, and can make you realize and remember that you are actually OK right this moment.
MUCH LOVE,
Eliza
Dear Loneliness, I Surrender to You...
Dear Loneliness, I surrender to you,
After years of pushing you down, pretending like you don’t exist, resisting you, running from you, hiding from you, cutting you off, denying you, covering you up from the world, I am finally letting go of my efforts. My efforts have proven to be pointless, and have only created pain and suffering for me. They haven’t done shit. Because after all of this time, you’re still here.
And from this angle, you actually don’t look all that bad. You’re sort of cute and sweet. I know I have a lot to learn from you. I know that this is just the beginning of a new relationship for you and I. I invite you to the table, to sit with us, the other emotions, the other parts of me. I am too tired to keep pulling the chair out from under you.
I know intuitively that you are meant to be felt, to move through me, to accompany me on my journey of life. I know that you are not as scary as you seem. I know that you are in every one. Not just me.
Already after allowing you to be here, after taking you on a walk around my block, and naming you, I feel more integrated, more whole. And it feels good to air you out. Because I just can’t deny it any longer, you are here, inside of me. I feel you in my bones, my fibers, my heart. And that’s the truth. And it’s ok.
I will carry you wherever I go, not as a burden but as a dear innocent child, holding you with tenderness. I don’t have to shield you any longer fearing that people will not love and accept you. Because I love and accept you. You are an aspect of me, a part of my experience.
No more resistance. I welcome you with open arms and my open heart. I will listen to you. I will listen to your stories of rejection, of pain. I will honor your experience. I will show you that you are not alone. I am here now.
If You Want Peace, Drive Head on Into Your Pain
It is wild how you can feel the intensity of the ego and all of the accompanying suffering so intensely while also tapping back into present moment awareness and expansive peace. Both can co-exist and usually always do. Where we choose to reside, and our experience here on earth is up to us. To live in surrendered peace to what is, which is sometimes painful, or to live in chaotic suffering.
Why do we sometimes choose to suffer though? And why do some people suffer their whole lives not realizing that they even have a choice? Pain is not a choice, we feel emotional pain the same as we feel physical pain when we break a leg. But suffering is different, and suffering is a choice. Suffering is our reaction to our pain. We can choose to resist our pain with all of our might and experience deep mighty suffering. Or we can choose to surrender to our pain, feel it, be curious about it, explore it, and have compassion towards it. Tara Brach created the RAIN approach, which can aid you in surrendering to your pain. ‘R’ stands for recognizing what is here, ‘A’ is for allowing what you discover, ‘I’ is to investigate or get curious about your experience, and ‘N’ is for nurturing and giving yourself the compassion you need.
Easy right? It would be easy if we weren’t all addicted to suffering. We become obsessed with the mighty resistance, truly convinced that the resistance will bring us to a place of calm. We think, If we just use a little more energy to resist, if we just keep pushing against our pain, soon enough, we will find bliss. But this has never worked, and will never work. And this exertion is suffering itself. It is suffering disguised as some grand plan, some wonderful trick we have to fool our pain. To maneuver ourselves around the pain. Oh, pain ain’t got nothing on me, our egos say. We take our little cars and carefully drive all the way around pain to the other side. Only to meet pain again and to realize that it has multiplied exponentially in intensity. Then we keep trying to go around it. Around and around we go, on a suffering merry go round. And we really think this is the way to go. HAHA.
Robert Frost, the renowned American poet shares his wisdom on pain by stating, “the only way out is through.” And when he said only, he meant only. It doesn’t matter how many times you try to get around your pain, it will never go away unless you take your truck, gear up, give yourself a pep talk, and drive straight into your pain at full speed. Feel it with all of your grit and grace. And then see what happens.
When I have done this, and geared up to go straight through, is the only time I have truly felt the sense of peace and ease on the other side. And was able to return to the flow of life. All of this avoidance, and tip toeing around my pain, or holding my pain far from me just continues the suffering trap.
It feels counterintuitive to deep dive into your pain. Because we have a nervous system which protects us from pain. It makes sense from a physical standpoint that if something is extremely painful, we avoid it because it could kill us. The thing is, emotional pain won’t kill you. However, in some ways avoiding it might. Because avoidance leads to anxiety, stress, depression, and chronic health issues. Acclaimed Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung taught us that “what you resist persists,” meaning that if we want our pain to subside, we also must subside our efforts to fight our pain. Our bodies are built to withstand emotional pain, to regulate our emotions, and to detox pain. If only we just let our emotional pain naturally run its course, and bring our compassionate curiosity towards what we feel (pain and all) in each moment.
I have outlined below some methods that can allow pain to naturally move through you so that it does not have to live in the body and create endless suffering. Let’s say it together - “NAW suffering, not today!” So I invite you to try 'em out, take what works, and leave behind what doesn’t jive with you!
SCREAM or sing at the top of your lungs. This can help you to get out of your head and get out of your own way. It can be an emotional release (a good one for anger).
PUNCH a pillow (not a person :)). Also a good one for anger. This is a safe way to discharge energy and emotions.
MOVE and groove. Any type of movement that calls to you will do. If you like to dance, go for it! Turn up some music, and boogy. Or take a walk, or just shake your arms and flail about. Or run, play a sport, whatever works for you, will work for your emotions and pain. Also, do yoga! Yoga is specifically aimed at moving beyond your pain to a place of joy and ease.
SIT WITH IT. After you move, it’s a good time to sit with it. Your jitters and defenses have most likely settled, and the emotions and pain may be raw and ready to be felt. So find a comfortable seat and be still, just for a moment or so and see what comes up, and allow for it.
CREATE SPACE for what is here. As you watch and notice what you are feeling, give yourself the space to feel and heal. This might mean go be by yourself, remove yourself from a social situation, put your phone down, and lovingly welcome your pain.
BECOME AWARE of what is here and start to be more curious. See where the pain “lives” in your body. Is it in your heart? Forehead? Maybe even your right foot? How does it feel? What sensations arise when you bring your attention to this pain point? Do you feel heat, tension, chilliness?
CRYING can help release pain from your body to restore it back to peace and ease.
LAUGHING is not just for fun. It can actually help to process emotions and pain just as
crying can.
NAME IT to tame it. Say out loud what you are feeling. Tell a trusted friend or loved one
what you are feeling. Your pain has less power over you when you name it, because you
are starting to acknowledge it and reverse the tempting resistance process.
EMDR therapy, Somatic Experiencing, and Emotion Focused Therapy are all great forms
of psychotherapy to release painful memories that are stored in the body.
Your pain needs your loving attention and your careful tending. This is the way to health and healing. May you find the inner courage to drive head on into your pain. And may you discover your own love and light that is waiting for you on the other side of your pain.
Blessings to you, blessings to all,
Eliza
Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT
The Seasons Change, Leaves Fall, and Friends Break-Up
I used to wear it as a badge of honor that I had friends from the womb, mom and me classes, elementary school, middle school, high school, college, post college, and grad school who I still considered to be my best friends. I was proud to share that I was a loyal friend, still “besties” with peeps from childhood. I obsessively kept up with friends, making sure I was doing my part, showing up for *everyone,* attending everyone’s special events, doing all of the thoughtful things. And boy was I DAMN exhausted. I put my own needs on the back burner, till they withered away, vanished in the dust... “Eliza who??” I was too busy using my worn-out green thumb to tend to the out of control garden of my social life and relationships.
Until last year. Last year for me marked the beginning of the wedding-season-of-life for a lot of my friends. Which for me meant saving the dates and the money for engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, flights across the country, the weddings themselves, bridesmaid dresses, presents, the whole lot. I know this is nothing new to a lot of women in their late 20’s and early 30’s. However, I was just not equipped to handle this at the rate I was going. Spreading myself too thin with all of my friendships.
One of my best friends who I deeply care about and value our friendship was hurt by me. She felt that I was not prioritizing her in her time of need, as a soon-to-be-bride. She wanted me to “show up” for her. Meanwhile I was trying to show up for everyone in my life.
I started to self reflect. I most definitely want to show up for the people in my life who matter the most to me. And if I’m spending all my time and energy on friendships that may no longer be serving me, then I don’t have the resources to pour into the ones I truly do want to nourish. So I began to examine my relationships and started to get real intentional. I asked myself the big questions.
Who makes me feel warm? Who helps me to love myself more? Who is serving my growth? Who is growing with me? Who do I feel most deeply connected to on a soul level? Who accepts me for who I am, flaws and all? Who celebrates my inner and outer growth? Who shows up for me and puts in the effort for our friendship? Who let’s me know they care about me in different ways? Who is doing their own inner work and showing up for themselves? (Ok, some of these questions may seem selfish, but they are the ones we all need to be asking, because if you are coming into the most aligned relationships, then you will serve the world as a byproduct).
When I discovered the answer’s to these questions it made me cherish and celebrate those who were ‘Yes’s!’ to all of the questions above. Damn! How grateful I felt to have such rich relationships. Relationship’s truly are gold, as the saying goes.
And, it also made me realize that I need to let go of some other friends. Who on a gut level, I had already known were out of energetic and spiritual alignment from me. Now however, after asking myself these important questions, I just couldn’t look away. It was too clear.
So this last year, I have been breaking up with friends. I do not wish to cause harm or to hurt people who I once loved and were in alignment with. But it’s gotta be done. My reason for these break-ups is to create more space for the friendships who are in alignment. And to make room for new friendships to form (which have already been flooding in). While it can be terrifying to let go of the things that are no longer serving you, it is usually incredibly rewarding. Because the ‘right’ thing for you is waiting just around the corner. And because it is an act of self-love. Because you are telling your subconscious and your inner child that you care. That you aren’t fucking around, that you are serious about your relationships, that you are serious about your growth, and that you deeply care about your energy and time. You are showing up in a new way, that is authentic, and that honors yourself and your relationships as sacred.
I hope that you find the courage to let go of friendships or any relationship that you *know* on a soul, emotional, and/or cognitive level that just aren’t right anymore (one level is good enough as a sign pointer usually). And that it’s ok. It doesn’t make you a bad person to leave a friendship. We celebrate women who break-up with their partners when the relationship is not right- we say ‘let’s go grab a glass of wine!’ ‘good for you!’ ‘You are so strong, I respect you for listening to yourself.’
So why can’t we do the same with expired friendships? Well, we actually can. So chuck the shame and guilt out the door. Showing up for you is the kindest, most loving thing you can do for others including your ex-friends. In becoming more intentional with my sacred time, I have rediscovered my sacred self. And my friendships now feel easeful, bountiful, loving, mutual, and healthy. To my reader, I hope this serves as permission (not from me, but from your own inner guidance that may have been touched while reading) to do the thing you gotta do. I love you.
Love,
Eliza
Some Inspo/Ideas for you:
Waterfall of Wisdom by Fia on Spotify
Take your best friend on a friend-date to the Cavallo Point Spa in Sausalito (It’s a best kept secret-get-away). A bit pricey but super worth the outdoor heated pool, relaxing vibes, and you can make a day of it!
On Dating and Perfectionism
You’re telling yourself you are open to dating, and eager to find a partner right? And yet, no one seems to quite fit the mold. You size up every guy you date against this mold, squint your eyes and say “naw,” and then kick to the curb anyone who doesn’t quite fit perfectly, which is well, everyone. You think, nope not this guy. He must be out there still. Not this guy either. Another one bites the dust. You date and date and date and wonder why you haven’t found “the one” yet. You protect your strategy by chanting your holy mantra ‘I have standards and I will not settle.’ And you are afraid to admit it to your friends because it sounds so douchey, but you really are looking for the ‘perfect guy.’
Have you ever thought that clinging to this mold might actually be your first problem? Are your “standards” rigid, constrictive, and born out of a perfectionist mindset?
I’m gonna let you in on a little secret sista, there is no perfect guy, and you also aren’t perfect hun. The first step to relinquishing this low vibrational energy is acknowledging that this unhealthy pattern exists in the first place. Let’s start by asking yourself, am I seeking this perfection in another because deep down I couldn’t feel farther from perfect? Am I looking for this worthy human because I think I am not good enough? Do I subconsciously believe that this perfect guy will make me whole?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, then it’s time to take a seat. Take a breath. And turn your attention inward. There are most likely places within you that you have yet to accept. And this inner resistance may be blocking an awesome guy from you. Or you may be blocking him from you because what you just can’t stand in yourself, you just can’t stand in him either.
Are there parts of you that you feel ashamed by? Are there aspects of your personality that you wouldn’t dare show a soul? Do you feel this nagging sense that you are only a hair away from perfection, if only you just try harder, work more to change yourself, and pretend like the imperfections don’t exist?
What I am describing here is a very common human experience. We all feel shame, on both an individual and collective level. Renowned psychologist, Carl Jung described this shame phenomenon as the “shadow.” He theorized that when we possess a quality within that has been shunned by someone we know, or by society, we store it away in a locked and hidden cave deep inside of us to never to be touched or seen. This type of inner rejection he called “splitting.” We split from parts of ourselves, thinking that these parts are not worthy of love or acceptance. Not only do we do this to ourselves, but we do this to others as well. We use this shameful practice with our friends, family members, and potential mates.
The issue here is that not only does this hurt others, because we are acting out of shame rather than love, but it also pushes away people who are worthy of love and could be an awesome lover for you. It’s so hard to see this dynamic because you truly feel convinced that you can’t settle for their unlovable qualities. The “ugly” and imperfect aspects that you see in them, you wouldn’t dare accept in yourself.
When it comes to dating, we definitely don’t want your shame to be steering the ship. Picking the partner who you think will soothe that shame (which never really works) and make you a complete and lovable person just is not the way to go. And it’s an exhausting uphill battle, because no one, and I mean no one is perfect.
So how do we break this cycle, stop trying to find Mr. Perfect, and bring more acceptance and tender love to the dating process? Well, cliche as it sounds, it really does start within. It starts with you taking an honest look at yourself and realizing the parts of you that you hate. It means examining the parts of you that make you feel embarrassed and shameful. It’s asking yourself what qualities about your personality are you afraid won’t be accepted by others. And then giving those parts of you your loving attention.
This can be hard work to do in general, and even harder to do alone. I recommend taking this journey alongside a trusted psychotherapist who specializes in shadow and inner child work. Manifestation expert, Lacy Phillips also has an amazing step-by-step program that walks you through the process of what she calls “unblocking” to free yourself from the constant shame cycle. There are also life coaches who specifically teach shadow work. And there are resources online that you can find by typing into google “shadow work.” Not all of them may be reliable, however it could be a great place to start and to familiarize yourself with the work.
At the basis of shadow work, which was created by Jung, is the reclaiming of your shameful aspects of self. Albert Schweitzer said that “what you don’t own, owns you.” Put simply, doing this type of work is an act of making the subconscious, conscious, so that you can make empowered decisions for your life. And so that your heart (not your shadow) can be the chooser when it comes to calling in a life partner.
May you redirect your sail from perfect to lovable. May you be driven by a deep acceptance of self rather than a shameful loathing.
Many Blessings,
Eliza
Resources for you to check out -
Manifestation and Neural Reprograming:
https://tobemagnetic.com/
Books on Shame and Shadow Work:
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest
I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Brené Brown
Dating Podcast:
Deeper Dating Podcast by Ken Page
Image by Goddessofastar on Etsy