It is wild how you can feel the intensity of the ego and all of the accompanying suffering so intensely while also tapping back into present moment awareness and expansive peace. Both can co-exist and usually always do. Where we choose to reside, and our experience here on earth is up to us. To live in surrendered peace to what is, which is sometimes painful, or to live in chaotic suffering.
Why do we sometimes choose to suffer though? And why do some people suffer their whole lives not realizing that they even have a choice? Pain is not a choice, we feel emotional pain the same as we feel physical pain when we break a leg. But suffering is different, and suffering is a choice. Suffering is our reaction to our pain. We can choose to resist our pain with all of our might and experience deep mighty suffering. Or we can choose to surrender to our pain, feel it, be curious about it, explore it, and have compassion towards it. Tara Brach created the RAIN approach, which can aid you in surrendering to your pain. ‘R’ stands for recognizing what is here, ‘A’ is for allowing what you discover, ‘I’ is to investigate or get curious about your experience, and ‘N’ is for nurturing and giving yourself the compassion you need.
Easy right? It would be easy if we weren’t all addicted to suffering. We become obsessed with the mighty resistance, truly convinced that the resistance will bring us to a place of calm. We think, If we just use a little more energy to resist, if we just keep pushing against our pain, soon enough, we will find bliss. But this has never worked, and will never work. And this exertion is suffering itself. It is suffering disguised as some grand plan, some wonderful trick we have to fool our pain. To maneuver ourselves around the pain. Oh, pain ain’t got nothing on me, our egos say. We take our little cars and carefully drive all the way around pain to the other side. Only to meet pain again and to realize that it has multiplied exponentially in intensity. Then we keep trying to go around it. Around and around we go, on a suffering merry go round. And we really think this is the way to go. HAHA.
Robert Frost, the renowned American poet shares his wisdom on pain by stating, “the only way out is through.” And when he said only, he meant only. It doesn’t matter how many times you try to get around your pain, it will never go away unless you take your truck, gear up, give yourself a pep talk, and drive straight into your pain at full speed. Feel it with all of your grit and grace. And then see what happens.
When I have done this, and geared up to go straight through, is the only time I have truly felt the sense of peace and ease on the other side. And was able to return to the flow of life. All of this avoidance, and tip toeing around my pain, or holding my pain far from me just continues the suffering trap.
It feels counterintuitive to deep dive into your pain. Because we have a nervous system which protects us from pain. It makes sense from a physical standpoint that if something is extremely painful, we avoid it because it could kill us. The thing is, emotional pain won’t kill you. However, in some ways avoiding it might. Because avoidance leads to anxiety, stress, depression, and chronic health issues. Acclaimed Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung taught us that “what you resist persists,” meaning that if we want our pain to subside, we also must subside our efforts to fight our pain. Our bodies are built to withstand emotional pain, to regulate our emotions, and to detox pain. If only we just let our emotional pain naturally run its course, and bring our compassionate curiosity towards what we feel (pain and all) in each moment.
I have outlined below some methods that can allow pain to naturally move through you so that it does not have to live in the body and create endless suffering. Let’s say it together - “NAW suffering, not today!” So I invite you to try 'em out, take what works, and leave behind what doesn’t jive with you!
SCREAM or sing at the top of your lungs. This can help you to get out of your head and get out of your own way. It can be an emotional release (a good one for anger).
PUNCH a pillow (not a person :)). Also a good one for anger. This is a safe way to discharge energy and emotions.
MOVE and groove. Any type of movement that calls to you will do. If you like to dance, go for it! Turn up some music, and boogy. Or take a walk, or just shake your arms and flail about. Or run, play a sport, whatever works for you, will work for your emotions and pain. Also, do yoga! Yoga is specifically aimed at moving beyond your pain to a place of joy and ease.
SIT WITH IT. After you move, it’s a good time to sit with it. Your jitters and defenses have most likely settled, and the emotions and pain may be raw and ready to be felt. So find a comfortable seat and be still, just for a moment or so and see what comes up, and allow for it.
CREATE SPACE for what is here. As you watch and notice what you are feeling, give yourself the space to feel and heal. This might mean go be by yourself, remove yourself from a social situation, put your phone down, and lovingly welcome your pain.
BECOME AWARE of what is here and start to be more curious. See where the pain “lives” in your body. Is it in your heart? Forehead? Maybe even your right foot? How does it feel? What sensations arise when you bring your attention to this pain point? Do you feel heat, tension, chilliness?
CRYING can help release pain from your body to restore it back to peace and ease.
LAUGHING is not just for fun. It can actually help to process emotions and pain just as
crying can.
NAME IT to tame it. Say out loud what you are feeling. Tell a trusted friend or loved one
what you are feeling. Your pain has less power over you when you name it, because you
are starting to acknowledge it and reverse the tempting resistance process.
EMDR therapy, Somatic Experiencing, and Emotion Focused Therapy are all great forms
of psychotherapy to release painful memories that are stored in the body.
Your pain needs your loving attention and your careful tending. This is the way to health and healing. May you find the inner courage to drive head on into your pain. And may you discover your own love and light that is waiting for you on the other side of your pain.
Blessings to you, blessings to all,
Eliza
Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT
