I used to wear it as a badge of honor that I had friends from the womb, mom and me classes, elementary school, middle school, high school, college, post college, and grad school who I still considered to be my best friends. I was proud to share that I was a loyal friend, still “besties” with peeps from childhood. I obsessively kept up with friends, making sure I was doing my part, showing up for *everyone,* attending everyone’s special events, doing all of the thoughtful things. And boy was I DAMN exhausted. I put my own needs on the back burner, till they withered away, vanished in the dust... “Eliza who??” I was too busy using my worn-out green thumb to tend to the out of control garden of my social life and relationships.
Until last year. Last year for me marked the beginning of the wedding-season-of-life for a lot of my friends. Which for me meant saving the dates and the money for engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, flights across the country, the weddings themselves, bridesmaid dresses, presents, the whole lot. I know this is nothing new to a lot of women in their late 20’s and early 30’s. However, I was just not equipped to handle this at the rate I was going. Spreading myself too thin with all of my friendships.
One of my best friends who I deeply care about and value our friendship was hurt by me. She felt that I was not prioritizing her in her time of need, as a soon-to-be-bride. She wanted me to “show up” for her. Meanwhile I was trying to show up for everyone in my life.
I started to self reflect. I most definitely want to show up for the people in my life who matter the most to me. And if I’m spending all my time and energy on friendships that may no longer be serving me, then I don’t have the resources to pour into the ones I truly do want to nourish. So I began to examine my relationships and started to get real intentional. I asked myself the big questions.
Who makes me feel warm? Who helps me to love myself more? Who is serving my growth? Who is growing with me? Who do I feel most deeply connected to on a soul level? Who accepts me for who I am, flaws and all? Who celebrates my inner and outer growth? Who shows up for me and puts in the effort for our friendship? Who let’s me know they care about me in different ways? Who is doing their own inner work and showing up for themselves? (Ok, some of these questions may seem selfish, but they are the ones we all need to be asking, because if you are coming into the most aligned relationships, then you will serve the world as a byproduct).
When I discovered the answer’s to these questions it made me cherish and celebrate those who were ‘Yes’s!’ to all of the questions above. Damn! How grateful I felt to have such rich relationships. Relationship’s truly are gold, as the saying goes.
And, it also made me realize that I need to let go of some other friends. Who on a gut level, I had already known were out of energetic and spiritual alignment from me. Now however, after asking myself these important questions, I just couldn’t look away. It was too clear.
So this last year, I have been breaking up with friends. I do not wish to cause harm or to hurt people who I once loved and were in alignment with. But it’s gotta be done. My reason for these break-ups is to create more space for the friendships who are in alignment. And to make room for new friendships to form (which have already been flooding in). While it can be terrifying to let go of the things that are no longer serving you, it is usually incredibly rewarding. Because the ‘right’ thing for you is waiting just around the corner. And because it is an act of self-love. Because you are telling your subconscious and your inner child that you care. That you aren’t fucking around, that you are serious about your relationships, that you are serious about your growth, and that you deeply care about your energy and time. You are showing up in a new way, that is authentic, and that honors yourself and your relationships as sacred.
I hope that you find the courage to let go of friendships or any relationship that you *know* on a soul, emotional, and/or cognitive level that just aren’t right anymore (one level is good enough as a sign pointer usually). And that it’s ok. It doesn’t make you a bad person to leave a friendship. We celebrate women who break-up with their partners when the relationship is not right- we say ‘let’s go grab a glass of wine!’ ‘good for you!’ ‘You are so strong, I respect you for listening to yourself.’
So why can’t we do the same with expired friendships? Well, we actually can. So chuck the shame and guilt out the door. Showing up for you is the kindest, most loving thing you can do for others including your ex-friends. In becoming more intentional with my sacred time, I have rediscovered my sacred self. And my friendships now feel easeful, bountiful, loving, mutual, and healthy. To my reader, I hope this serves as permission (not from me, but from your own inner guidance that may have been touched while reading) to do the thing you gotta do. I love you.
Love,
Eliza
Some Inspo/Ideas for you:
Waterfall of Wisdom by Fia on Spotify
Take your best friend on a friend-date to the Cavallo Point Spa in Sausalito (It’s a best kept secret-get-away). A bit pricey but super worth the outdoor heated pool, relaxing vibes, and you can make a day of it!
