You’re telling yourself you are open to dating, and eager to find a partner right? And yet, no one seems to quite fit the mold. You size up every guy you date against this mold, squint your eyes and say “naw,” and then kick to the curb anyone who doesn’t quite fit perfectly, which is well, everyone. You think, nope not this guy. He must be out there still. Not this guy either. Another one bites the dust. You date and date and date and wonder why you haven’t found “the one” yet. You protect your strategy by chanting your holy mantra ‘I have standards and I will not settle.’ And you are afraid to admit it to your friends because it sounds so douchey, but you really are looking for the ‘perfect guy.’
Have you ever thought that clinging to this mold might actually be your first problem? Are your “standards” rigid, constrictive, and born out of a perfectionist mindset?
I’m gonna let you in on a little secret sista, there is no perfect guy, and you also aren’t perfect hun. The first step to relinquishing this low vibrational energy is acknowledging that this unhealthy pattern exists in the first place. Let’s start by asking yourself, am I seeking this perfection in another because deep down I couldn’t feel farther from perfect? Am I looking for this worthy human because I think I am not good enough? Do I subconsciously believe that this perfect guy will make me whole?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, then it’s time to take a seat. Take a breath. And turn your attention inward. There are most likely places within you that you have yet to accept. And this inner resistance may be blocking an awesome guy from you. Or you may be blocking him from you because what you just can’t stand in yourself, you just can’t stand in him either.
Are there parts of you that you feel ashamed by? Are there aspects of your personality that you wouldn’t dare show a soul? Do you feel this nagging sense that you are only a hair away from perfection, if only you just try harder, work more to change yourself, and pretend like the imperfections don’t exist?
What I am describing here is a very common human experience. We all feel shame, on both an individual and collective level. Renowned psychologist, Carl Jung described this shame phenomenon as the “shadow.” He theorized that when we possess a quality within that has been shunned by someone we know, or by society, we store it away in a locked and hidden cave deep inside of us to never to be touched or seen. This type of inner rejection he called “splitting.” We split from parts of ourselves, thinking that these parts are not worthy of love or acceptance. Not only do we do this to ourselves, but we do this to others as well. We use this shameful practice with our friends, family members, and potential mates.
The issue here is that not only does this hurt others, because we are acting out of shame rather than love, but it also pushes away people who are worthy of love and could be an awesome lover for you. It’s so hard to see this dynamic because you truly feel convinced that you can’t settle for their unlovable qualities. The “ugly” and imperfect aspects that you see in them, you wouldn’t dare accept in yourself.
When it comes to dating, we definitely don’t want your shame to be steering the ship. Picking the partner who you think will soothe that shame (which never really works) and make you a complete and lovable person just is not the way to go. And it’s an exhausting uphill battle, because no one, and I mean no one is perfect.
So how do we break this cycle, stop trying to find Mr. Perfect, and bring more acceptance and tender love to the dating process? Well, cliche as it sounds, it really does start within. It starts with you taking an honest look at yourself and realizing the parts of you that you hate. It means examining the parts of you that make you feel embarrassed and shameful. It’s asking yourself what qualities about your personality are you afraid won’t be accepted by others. And then giving those parts of you your loving attention.
This can be hard work to do in general, and even harder to do alone. I recommend taking this journey alongside a trusted psychotherapist who specializes in shadow and inner child work. Manifestation expert, Lacy Phillips also has an amazing step-by-step program that walks you through the process of what she calls “unblocking” to free yourself from the constant shame cycle. There are also life coaches who specifically teach shadow work. And there are resources online that you can find by typing into google “shadow work.” Not all of them may be reliable, however it could be a great place to start and to familiarize yourself with the work.
At the basis of shadow work, which was created by Jung, is the reclaiming of your shameful aspects of self. Albert Schweitzer said that “what you don’t own, owns you.” Put simply, doing this type of work is an act of making the subconscious, conscious, so that you can make empowered decisions for your life. And so that your heart (not your shadow) can be the chooser when it comes to calling in a life partner.
May you redirect your sail from perfect to lovable. May you be driven by a deep acceptance of self rather than a shameful loathing.
Many Blessings,
Eliza
Resources for you to check out -
Manifestation and Neural Reprograming:
https://tobemagnetic.com/
Books on Shame and Shadow Work:
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest
I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Brené Brown
Dating Podcast:
Deeper Dating Podcast by Ken Page
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