Time and time again, clinical research indicates that the best therapeutic outcomes are determined by the relationship between therapist and client. There are of course other factors that play into the success of therapy, such as the client’s openness, attitude and motivation, the therapist's training and experience, certain interventions used etc. But the numero uno factor that determines success in therapy is the therapeutic relationship itself.
As humans, WE HEAL WITHIN RELATIONSHIPS. We heal within relationships with friends, family, partners, communities, and within ourselves. And the therapeutic relationship is no different. You heal within the safe and sacred container of the therapeutic relationship. (Ideally) Your therapist will meet you and all of your parts with kindness, grace, non-judgement, forgiveness, and love and that will cause deep healing.
It makes sense that we heal in relationships because typically our greatest hurts were also created within relationships. The pain that brings you to therapy is usually the result of an intolerance of ourselves, parts of ourselves, our experiences, or our emotions. And this type of rejection starts in childhood. We learn certain parts of us are ok and other parts are not and should be repressed. This type of inner rejection is usually created when we are met by other’s with shame, rejection, disappointment, or a lack of acceptance in childhood. We then learn to split from these parts of ourselves too. It’s not ok to be wildly outgoing, it’s not ok to be shy, it’s not ok to be different, it’s not ok to have big emotions, it’s not ok to be sad, it’s not ok to be angry, it’s not ok to be shy, it’s not ok to be poor, it’s not ok to have pimples, it’s not ok to be that loud, it’s not ok to be that big, it’s not ok to be so loving, and so on and so forth.
So we come to therapy to heal. To learn to take up space within ourselves and in the world. We learn it IS OK TO BE ALL OF YOU, to embrace all of you, and to own all of these parts of you. And your therapist is there to help you own it all. Your therapist is there to provide you with deep love and acceptance. This type of loving holding is what rewires old neural pathways, teaches you to meet yourself with love, and helps you show up differently in your life and in your body.
That is why it is paramount that you and your therapist have a good relationship. Two biggies: 1. You have to like your therapist for it to work 2. Your therapist has to have done their own healing.
If you don’t enjoy being in the presence of your therapist, you most likely will not feel comfortable opening up, being vulnerable, and may not even want to show up to session. In order to show up and do the inner work, you must feel a deep sense of safety with your therapist.
Also, if your therapist has not done their own inner healing, they may not have the capacity to hold space for you and your suffering because no one was able to do it for them. You might even feel judged by them, or feel like you can only show them a filtered version of you. You can only take someone as deep as you have gone yourself . So it’s important that your therapist has gone to therapy and has dealt with their rejected parts so that they can help you to do the same.
So, what happens if you don’t like your therapist? Recognize, it’s okay. It’s normal if you don’t like your first, second, or even third therapist. It is totally common to try out multiple different therapists before finding one that sticks. SO DO NOT GIVE UP! Just like any other relationship you are searching for, it takes a few tries to deeply connect. We typically don’t find our soulmate on the first date we ever go on. So please know that it is expected to have multiple goes at therapy.
It took me 3 tries before finding a therapist who really did it for me. Just because it didn’t “work” right away does not mean therapy is not for you. The missing piece may just be that you didn’t jive with your therapist! You deserve to work with a therapist who you totally enjoy, so keep looking!
XOXO
